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Admittedly it’s a sweeping generalisation to use the term ‘British TV’ however phrases like ‘shows on Channel 4 directly following The Simpsons’ and ‘most shows on Channel 5 and ITV’ don’t make for a punchy headline or title. For the sake of confusion, and the fact that these are the channels most British people born prior to 2000 would have grown up watching, I will only be considering the four terrestrial staple channels; BBC1, BBC2, ITV, Channel 4 and Channel 5. If you’re stoned deciding what to watch can be both a herculean task and also a very easy one, with zoning out to a program and being too lazy to change the channel being a common problem.

Now with the Olympics occupying BBC2 for the majority of the day I decided to skip that completely, pretty sure Usain Bolt wasn’t running and can’t really think of another reason why a person would watch it, and BBC1 has a daytime slate aimed towards the elderly for the first part of the day until succumbing to the Olympics mid-afternoon, therefore that was skipped also.

I’d recommend rolling at least one joint before starting, you should probably make it a small one if you’re starting quite early as you’ll probably be in a near vegetative state come lunch time.If you start around 9 o’clock you can catch an early episode of Frasier on Channel 4 which sets the bar quite high, in preparation for a decline at 9:30 when The Big Bang Theory catches you off guard slightly with an inferior brand of American humor. You can switch over to ITV at around 9:45 to catch the new millennium middle-class equivalent of bear baiting which is The Jeremy Kyle Show. Kyle provides mild entertainment for the most part due to his overly aggressive demeanor and ‘smash-mouth’ style of presenting, however over after almost an hour Kyle seemingly flip-flops between genuinely trying to help people and dehumanising working class people for his generally middle-class audience’s amusement and reassurance over the quality of their life in comparison.

Mid-way through Kyle’s show I’d recommend switching back to Channel 4 where The Simpsons will have started and luckily will be on for the next hour and a half. Probably roll another joint around this time, to fully make the most of the mix of humor and nostalgia as all three episodes are from early seasons. Following this you have a couple of choices, none of them are great, Channel 5 has something called Cowboy Builders which after a few minutes of watching is probably best abandoned, using the term Cowboy for a property development program set in Wales seemed odd to begin with and it really does fail to deliver in the same way as other renovation based programs.

I would recommend switching back to Channel 4 in preparation for lunch time where Come Dine With Me has begun, whilst the food is hardly mouth-watering there are a few diamonds in the ruff which should go some way towards tantalising your taste buds. After a while of watching, the consistent unpleasantness of all the contestants becomes tedious, at this point it should be about 1:30pm and In fairness everything on Tv from this point is pretty awful so I’d recommend abandoning TV and heading towards the internet. After subjecting yourself to the worst Britains got to offer, roll another one, and find something you actually want to watch.


August 08, 2016 by Gareth Arnold

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